I ran five miles in the hills with Jesus this morning. It was an interesting run. 1-because even though I have not been running I still held a 7 1/2 pace for 5 miles (for a fatty like me, this is huge) 2-because I was talking to Jesus the whole time and having a pretty good conversation with Him 3-because of the last mile.
I had originally just planned to run 4 miles, because when I had run 2 days previously, I almost died of cardiac arrest and determined that 4 was about my limit. But today, when I hit the 2 mile halfway point, I thought "I can probably do one more mile". I heard that voice in my head that it is often a good idea to listen to say, "You'll pay for this on the way back" but I ignored it, and continued to run. I was pretty good for four miles. I hit the point I knew signaled the 5th mile, which also happens to be a corner that turns onto the hilly road running adjacent to my uncle's neighborhood, and I thought "Alright, last mile, I got this." Then, 3 things happened simultaneously. The first was that I got EXTREMELY tired. The second was that I realized that maybe, just maybe I didn't have this like I thought. The third was that the wind, which had been blowing gently, turned into a stiff, flagpole raising gale(literally, the flags were horizontal in the wind) and happened to be coming straight at me, pushing what had been my good pace into a grueling crawl. As I am not much for quitting, I began to wonder if running the whole way was possible. What I wanted more than anything was to stop a few moments. Catch my breath. Make my legs stop burning and my lungs stop constricting and just breathe. Collect myself before I tried to make it home. "Can I even make it home?" I thought. Running an entire mile in this on shaking legs was not looking to plausible now.
Me: "Lord, are we doing this? Can I even do this?"
"Oh yeah."
Me:"Ok, well, I believe You, but could you maybe make the wind chill out? That'd make this a whole thing a lot easier."
So you know what happened? The wind completely reversed directions, blew at my back the whole way home and I arrived, hair in place, hardly out of breath, in a 6 minutes pace.
And that's a lie. If you're that gullible, you should've at least caught the "hair in place" thing and realized that my hair is never in place to begin with. Anyways, that's not what happened. Actually, the wind got a little harder, forcing me to slow down even more. And I heard the Lord say "No. I said you could make it. I am not going to lessen the wind, because you are capable of running this. I've told you the truth, now keep running."
Keep running.
"Ok." I thought to myself. "Keep running. Alright. Surely if I'm obedient and keep running it's bound to lighten up. God will see my obedience and things will get better. They always do when we trust Him and obey...right?"
Wrong. Think Job. I kept running. And the wind continued to howl in my ears and make my eyes water. My legs now felt like dead weight, and I was having trouble staying in a straight line(I'm sure the passing cars thought I was drunk). The wind would not let up. I felt like it was its personal assignment to see that I gave up on my way home.
"Why am I doing this?" I thought. "What is wrong with stopping for a second? I'll be fine. It's not like this is even a race, I'm the only one who knows I'm even out here."
But it did matter, and I knew it. It mattered because if I stopped, I wouldn't know if I could make it. It mattered because He said I could do it. Give up now, and I wouldn't know if I had what it takes to stare a challenge in the face and tackle it while being unsure of the result. How brave is it to take on a challenge you know you can master? But how much courage does it take to give 100% at something, not knowing if, in the end, you will come up short?
So I continued to run. Slowly, but it was still a run. And I began to think.
"I don't know about this Father. I really want to stop. I feel terrible, I might puke any second now. I really think I should stop." Silence. I knew what that meant, and it started with "keep" and ended with "going". So I gave up. You can't really argue with God for very long. At least, I can't successfully.
"Ok Lord. I'm running like I'm going to make it. The only way I'm stopping before I reach the house is if a car hits me and crushes my legs or I pass out."
True to form, the wind didn't think much of my stance on this either, and starting picking up in short little intense bursts, as if to wear me down, buffet after buffet. I kept running, my mind now set. I wasn't stopping. I was going to make it. He said I could, I had decided He knew better than I did. I.was.not.stopping.
That's when I realized something. A lot of times in life, when we're up against a challenge, the enemy comes at how we feel. He breaks us down. He tears at us. We get beat up. We get tired. And we decide that our deciding factor is our feelings on the situation at the time. Surely, if we are discouraged and defeated, it means that something is wrong? If we're tired and used up, we're not doing something right because God is not providing. And then we start to question His character. Is He really good? Does He really care? Because surely, if He was and did, He would see His children He claims to love and help them out. Lessen the pain. Make the road a little easier. Right? But believing has nothing to do with feeling, anymore than faith has anything to do with tangible evidence. It says our faith is the substance of things hoped for. Which we don't seem to understand. I feel that today, especially in the church, we want something to hold onto, to hope for, before we agree to have faith in God and where He is leading us. We want evidence, something to see, something to grab onto, before we tell Him "Ok. I'll walk with You. I'll keep going." But that is not what Hebrews 11:1 says. It says that faith IS the substance of what we are hoping for. It IS the evidence we're seeking. It is what steps in when you are at the point where everything looks black and any hope of ever seeing the light again has faded, and it says "I don't care what things look like. I don't care how I feel. I love you Jesus. I believe Your heart for me is what you say it is. I believe You work all things to my good and Your glory. I believe Your love will not fail me, and I believe that nothing will ever separate us." And then you run. You keep going. You keep fighting. You don't stop, you don't slow down, you don't look around you, you don't think about how much everything sucks. You run. You believe what He's promised, You believe His character doesn't change, but mostly you believe He loves you and is not going to let go, because He hasn't let you go yet.
To finish my story, the wind blew me around right up until I reached the garage. It never let up. It never got easier. But then I never stopped running either. And I did make it. And when I walked through the front door, I realized something else. It was never about whether or not God lessened the wind. It was never about Him giving me the relief or provision I thought I should get as His child who was obeying Him. God provided, but His provision did not come how I thought it should, in my burdens being lessened and my path made easier. His provision came in a single truth He spoke to me, "You can make it", and my determination in the face of how I felt or what I thought to believe Him, and to keep running.
So if you are struggling. If you are hurting. If you are going to give up because this can't be right, let me tell you this. God loves you. God knows you, and He knows what you're capable of. And if He's said to keep running, I'd keep running if I were you. And in the middle of whatever it is you're facing, realize that is was never about God providing for and delivering you in the first place. It's about realizing that when He says "keep going, you are capable", He really means it.
Keep running
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