Damsel-who-causes-me-distress-to-watch: You mock my pain
Not-so-attractive-hero: Life is pain highness. Anyone who says differently is selling you something
So those aren't their real names. Sue me. I can't stand when girls are obnoxious and useless in movies, and always have to be saved by the hero. And seriously? If my sex has to be represented by some lame heroine, at least make the prince worth watching. Good gosh people. This isn't a hard formula.
As a side note, I'm a little bit whiny and demanding, but if you can get past that, you might agree with my above point. Anyway...This past weekend I watched the movie with this quote in it. It's probably my favorite line in the entire movie. Partly because I'm cynical and it is the ultimate quote of cynicism. But partly because it's true (hey, cynics get it right sometimes).
My parents were hard on Daniele and I growing up (Since then, the Holy Spirit has worked in some awesome balance). Our best, and excellence in every arena was demanded. My dad was adamant that we do our best, whether that be straight A's, or performance on the sports field/court, or good decisions when tough choices arose, the right attitude in every situation, and meeting the challenges that arose and not only overcoming them, but not accepting rest until they were defeated. Quitting wasn't an option, being tired wasn't an option, and can't wasn't a word that was real. You keep your head down, you work hard, and you be the best. Never rest until you reach the top, and when you do reach the top, start working on learning to fly.
I'm not saying this was the perfect way to raise us. It certainly created characteristics in my sister and I that we struggle with now, because balance is a position we all struggle to find throughout our entire lives. Tightrope walking ain't easy. Learning that your worth isn't tied to your performance is a fight my dad passed on to his kids. Accepting the limits of humanity is a tough pill to swallow. But, what parents have gotten everything right? Who among us does everything perfectly? I want to meet them so I can punch them in the face out of jealousy. Anyways, it being fathers day weekend and all, that quote reminded me of a conversation I had with my dad last semester.
I had called him, because I was sucking at everything. Every area of my life; relational, spiritual, academic, personal care, everything. And I remember telling him, in defeat and ashamed, "Dad, I just can't perform anymore. I'm trying so hard. But I can't keep doing this. I'm failing everywhere. And I am realizing that my entire life, who I am, what I'm worth, is based on performance, and I can't keep playing this game".
Silence on the other end of the phone. I thought maybe he was disappointed with me, which I had expected. But I had reached the point where I would rather him be disappointed with who I really was than proud of who I was not. So I started again.
" Dad, I'm sorry. I'm trying, I really am doing the best I can. But my best isn't good enough, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing my mind, trying to perform and failing again, and again, and again. I feel like such a loser. I feel like quitting. I can't keep this up. I'm so ashamed of me".
More silence. My throat was closing up and I just wanted to throw the phone and start crying. It wasn't my finest moment. Then he spoke.
"Alysa. You aren't a loser, but I don't know what to tell you. Maybe I was too hard on you growing up. I want you to do your best, but I'm not ashamed of who you are. I'm so proud of you."
Now my throat did close and tears started spilling down my face. I couldn't do a thing to stop them. The awkward couple glued together at the hip stared at me where I sat on the sidewalk as they walked past. I didn't even care. He went on.
"You get being performance based honestly, I still struggle with it. I've fostered it in you. I was hard on you and your sister growing up, and it's created struggles in you guys that I hate to watch".
He paused, I waited. I couldn't talk past the humongous lump maliciously sitting in my throat, threatening to make me gasp like a beached whale.
"But I've been hard on you because I so badly want you to understand that life is hard. The world doesn't love you. I want you to meet life head on, and I want you to succeed. I want you to overcome. I want you to hang on, and fight through, and never give up. I don't want you to get rolled by a world that doesn't care because I didn't love you enough to push you and make you as strong as you could be. Life is hard baby, and it's unforgiving, and it will eat you up if you aren't constantly on your guard."
In an instant, my mind flashed back through high school, and snippets of my life played in my mind. Going to the softball field and having ground balls hit at me over and over until I fielded them correctly. Being so bad at basketball that I got 10 minutes of playing time the whole season, and not being allowed to find something I was more successful at. Being unfairly benched and accused by a coach that hated me, and having parent who wouldn't allow me to quit the team and refused to get involved. Not knowing whether or not I should break up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years, and being told to make my own decision and don't be double minded. Being captain of a team that hated me, and hated each other, and being told to figure it out. Struggling with continuing to play basketball or pursue academics, and being told that my decision was a final one, and to choose carefully. And on, and on, and on. From situations I wasn't bailed out in to decisions whose consequences I was made to accept, the emotions of anger and frustration and defeat and then resolution were felt in an instant. A needle prick reminder of the path that brings you to the present.
And I saw where I was. And where I had come from. And the incredible path I had traveled along, not because I am incredible, but because I was taught to follow a God that is. And I saw the lessons contained in the situations that were never about the situation. The unfair basketball team was not about playing time, the choices were not about the consequences that followed. My dad wasn't looking for my performance. He was looking for my character. He wasn't looking for me to be the best, he was looking for me to have a spirit that doesn't quit when life knocks me down. He didn't care how easily I overcame situations, he cared that I learn the truth-that life is pain, and life is hard, and it only gets harder. That rolling over and playing dead is not in the character of Jesus, and should not be in the character of me.
And the tears and frustration that I felt, he felt. The anguish and anger that I struggled through, he struggled too. To rescue someone you care deeply about from pain because you just want them to be comfortable and happy, that isn't how I am loved by my parents. To care for someone more than your own life, and willingly allow them to experience pain because you want them to be better than they ever thought they could be, that's the kind of love my parents give me.
And the lie that life should be painless and comfortable and easy, that's a lie my dad wasn't willing to let me comfortably believe. That following Jesus costs, and my life is my responsibility, and pain and struggle are not things to shy from, but to meet head on and fight with a God who has overcome, that's the truth I was made to see. That's the lifeline I had to grab as I was allowed to flounder in the waves of life that my parents let hit me.
Yes. Life is pain. And everyone wants to tell us otherwise. Because if they can sell you that line, then they can sell you the idea of how life should be. And once your perception of life is no longer reality, your perception of God can be twisted. They can make Him mean, they can make Him uncaring, and eventually they can make Him invisible. And when you dismiss God as an idea you can no longer accept, you lose the only lifeline you could ever have grabbed onto in a world that wants to eat you up and spit you out.
My dad allowed life to be hard and painful because it is, and I had to learn how to stand on my own two feet. Just as God allows life to be painful, because we will never enter a relationship with Him until we understand that life isn't a game, and satan plays for keeps. And I struggle, and I hurt, but rarely do I quit, because I was never allowed to quit. I was never allowed to settle for anything less than everything.
And this Father's day, I am especially thankful that my dad loves me enough to teach me that life is hard, but it's harder when you're a quitter. And that but for the grace of God, I'd be swept away by a world that hates me and only wants to see me defeated.
And of course, for a dad who has loved my mom, and sought God, and led as best he knew how, and chosen to have a heart that is teachable and sensitive to the whispers of God. Whispers that will guide us all home through a world that's mean, and hard, and heartbreaking, if we will have the tenacity to never stop until we hear them.
And I mean, your dad is probably cool too, he might even be almost as cool as mine, but my dad can probably beat up your dad so I win this time.
:) Kidding. Happy Fathers Day to the best dad ever. And happy day to the best parents ever.
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