Last night, I got a text around 10:30 from a friend. It read thus:
"Nighty night. Don't eat the bed bugs. :)".
It got this text back:
"If ever there was a time I wanted to run away from school, it is now. I don't want to be here, I don't want to finish, I don't want to do anything. I have no patience, I have no perspective, and I just want to cry or a few hours and get rid of some of this mounting stress."
Definitely an appropriate response to an exhortation to refrain from feasting on bugs. I'm not really sure why I sent it. I rarely let people know that I'm having a hard time, because I rarely want help (and am endlessly stubborn, like a donkey, yes). But ever since I came back to school from Thanksgiving break, I am just done. I have little motivation, I'm distracted, tired, frustrated, no patience, can't think, completely negative, and am overly critical and judgemental of everyone I see ('UGH that guy walks like an idiot' and 'oh my gosh if she does not shut up I'm going to run over her with a dump truck') and so on and so forth. I'm tired of the school game, and of getting up and busting myself every day so I can be 'successsful' and reach my 'goals', two things I am becoming more uncertain of every day. Of dealing with people and freaking hard classes and stress. And considering what is coming after graduation.
I wasn't really expecting a text back. In fact, I was already typing a disclaimer response to my friend, to let them know I wasn't really trying to elicit any response out of them, and I wasn't really sure why I told them all of that in the first place. Trying to cover my butt so I didn't look all needy and ridicuous, basically. Can't have the mighty fall. Ha. Then my phone rang
"Hello?"
"*High, squeaky voice* Alysa...ahem...I mean...Alysa...sorry, I'm uh, in bed and half asleep and sick"
"Right. Hey yeah, what's up?"
"So did I ever tell you about the dead straightaways when I ran track? I'd round the corner at the end of the race, and it'd be about 40 meters between me and being finished, and I'd just be done. Gassed. And I'd see that finish and you know what I'd do? I'd close my eyes. I'd close my eyes and just gut it out."
"Mmmmmm"
"Yeah I would. Sometimes you just gotta shut your eyes and go. Don't look around. Don't worry about the end. Don't even look at the end. Look at the day in front of you, then the next, and the next, until the break. Christmas is your checkpoint. I never met anyone that says they wish they would have quit."
"I'm tired. I'm tired of getting up every day and being reminded that my best isn't good enough. I'm just done."
"Your best is all you've got. Even if it isn't good enough-it is, by definition, good enough. Give what you've got. Let the Lord handle the rest. You're strong but He's stronger."
Not eloqent. Not profoundly deep or admirably worded. But honest. And real.
Sometimes you just gotta close your eyes and gut it out
mmm yes. I definitely hear you.
ReplyDeletei have that utter loathing for people, and im not in school. Jesus help us all- well mostly protect others from me!
ReplyDeleteseriously though[that comment WAS serious, but the fact that i laughed really hard at your evil thoughts somehow makes my comment superficial], yea. its these moments that we think we will have nervous breakdowns. and get really close to having. youve spoke alot of truth lately about all this stuff not really mattering, and knowing Jesus is the only legit...
youre holding that truth, and the truth that you do have to give school your attention, and that it is important. this is crazy tension. and you are still alive. one foot in front of the other/one day at a time-- its so true. keep going! Christ in you! hes got the energy.