Simplicity does not eliminate complexity

I find this dichotomy.
There are things that I hold to be so terribly important. That I consider to be of great value, and to have immense worth.


We've all got those things, right? We all have stuff that we really pursue. If we are really honest with ourselves and ask ourselves the right questions, we can get to the heart of things pretty quick.


We value our family. Or our friends. Or our grades (yeah, you knew that one was coming, if I am the one writing haha). Or our things. Or our money. Or our health. Or ourselves. Or our music. Or whatever. You can tell, it's where your mind goes when you're quiet, and where you spend the extra time you have. It's the things that you bargain against in your mind, the things you protect and nurture and pursue at all costs. Even to yourself.


I have my list. And I wondered to myself, as I walked home in the aftermath of my Fluid Dynamics final, "Is this going to be worth it"


And I guess what I really meant was, "Do the things I am pursuing really have value?"

 "Or is the value simply what I assign to it?"


Because I do this thing where I decide what's important based on the complicated and convoluted process of self consummation/neediness/other random things that steep and stew in the seepage of my heart.


And I pursue things. Things. Not Jesus, not His heart, not His pleasure. And I have reasons for it, that sound pretty good, that people accept. In fact, that people praise me for.


I'm so damn tired of praise. And I'm tired of my crappy reasons for why I do what I do or am what I am. And I'm tired of attention, that I get for all the wrong reasons.


And I am beginning to understand the heart of the Psalm 51:10, when he asks God for a clean heart and a steadfast spirit.


And all of the sudden, all of the progress I think I have made, the level of spirituality I keep wondering if I've attained, is summed up and answered in a simple question of analysis of something as elementary as primary priorities.


To be faithful in the small things. That is what I want, and that is what I am far from.


I think, perhaps, that the small things are not as small as we think they are.