I sat down tonight with this strange urge to write something. I didn't really have anything profound or deep or even obviously relevant to say, so I felt a little reluctant to write at all. I had no idea where this feeling came from, so I did what I always do-I analyzed the possible reasons for feeling this way so that I could rationalize my way through it and have a good grasp on myself.
I had made some fairly good progress after a while. And by progress I mean I had come up with a lot of good-sounding, potential excuses in which I did not look dumb or needy or retarded. Then I heard this familiar voice in my head that sounds so much like my dad say "Why don't you just be honest with yourself?"
So, I was. Honestly, I want to be heard.
That sounds so lame, right? "Oh that Alysa, she just wants to be heard. She just wants attention; to feel people like her, she wants to know she's relevant." How gross. How embarrassing. To be some kind of vacuum for any kind of affection or care, any kind of affirmation. One of those black hole people that just seems to dry you out because they keep trying to suck any kind of impressiveness or interest out of you. Heck they'll settle for any attention really, no matter if it's disgust, awe or disdainful disapproval. Just notice me. Please notice me, even if only because I breathe the same oxygen you do.
It's an interesting concept, recognizing the need to be heard and seen. Especially in a society that values self sufficiency and independence.
There's relief that comes with realizing we don't have to want to go through things alone. There's a weight lifted when we accept that life is a mess waiting to be dug through than a state to maintain. I feel like sometimes, the body of Christ puts so much emphasis on it's members having lives that look competent, sufficient and solitarily clean. "Going through a hard time? We'll pray Jesus gets you through and restores you to a pristine life." We make Jesus sound like a swiffer mop and God sound like a Brawny paper towel. I'm not sure about the Bible everyone else is reading, but mine consistently shows me that the Jesus I follow made His home with liars and insecure losers and prostitutes. My kind of people. And He showed them grace, and He walked along side them, and He stopped shoving rules down their throats and reasons in their face and started talking with them. Started listening to them. Started loving them.
So I'm really ok, at the end of the day, with wanting to be heard and seen. Because I was created to be heard by a God who always listens and seen by a God who relentlessly pursues me. And in light of hearing a lot of diatribes lately on how the church is failing at being the church, I wonder if the way we as Christ-followers approach "Kingdom work" is all wrong. Maybe if we extended a hand of compassion rather than a list of don't's and can't's. Maybe if we listened with understanding rather than talked with judgement. Maybe if we stopped making God sound like us, people wouldn't think He was hypocritical and ridiculous and condescending by association.
If our message was you are seen. You are heard. You are wanted. And you can stop striving to hold yourself together, because His favorite people are the ones that fall apart.
At the very least, we'd be one step closer to showing them who He really is.
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