That makes me feel old, pretentious and insufficiently prepared all at the same time. Isn't 21 like, official adulthood? I mean, they told me that at 18 but it was kind like, "Ok kid, we'll call you an adult but really that's just so we can cover our butts if you do something stupid like punch an old lady or run away from home and accidentally blow up the capital. Then you're liable."
But now I'll be able to literally do most things. Like get a handgun license. Get a tattoo. And gamble. And get into clubs. And drink. So basically, I'm getting official permission to be a wandering vagabond, because you better believe my daddy won't let me back in the house if I start acting like the idiot my age is permitting me to.
I just feel weird. I mean, what the heck is growing up anyway? When is it supposed to have happened? I wish someone would tell me so I can kick it's butt for not getting here faster. Pretty sure I still feel like an awkward, insecure 14 year old, completely unsure if I can hack it at this thing called life and hoping no one notices that I'm pretty much faking my confidence through every hurdle I'm jumping over.
To make it worse, my entire freaking population of friends is deciding single life is lame, so they're grabbing significant others and marrying them quicker than an ADHD Elvis in a seedy Vegas motel. Apparently, Taio Cruz got it wrong when he said Ridin' Solo is "living life now that you're free". More like "looking like a vulture for the first piece of unclaimed roadkill I see".
So I get to keep going to weddings and being in weddings and answering that consistent question "Are you seeing anybody?"
To which I give a crooked smile, and happily answer, "I am. Jesus, every day. It's kind've awesome."
I am also a fan of the coming-into-popularity-question "Do you have anyone special up at school?"
I think I am going to change up that answer though, and start saying, "Oh yes. I have many special friends at school. Once you get past the drooling and awkward hugs, they're lots of fun to be around."
That'll make them double take :)
Growing up is just awkward, and I have this sneaking suspicion that no one really ever grows up, we just learn how to act
"You wanted to travel the world, kid? Too bad, here's a business degree. Have fun decorating your cubicle with pictures of places you'll never go. You thought you could actually enjoy your job and have it be fulfilling and pay the bills and be doing something significant? That's cute, now get back on the phone and call those clients."
At least, that's what it feels like. And whenever I express to old people (and I have decided old is a state of mind, not an age. Because I know some teenagers that are already 80 year old men and some grandma's who never hit a day over 25) that I want my life to be lived with width and depth and not just join my place as another tooth in this winding gear, they smile
To which I want to answer, "May God take me before I ever get to the point that life is something to be waited out in an overstuffed chair, bitterly reminiscing about a past you can't get back and wasting a future that's passing at a rate of 60 seconds per minute."
Not that I'm like, intense about it or anything. Haha :). I guess it just makes me mad because I don't like being told what to do. And I really don't like people telling me what I will do before I even get there. The future's dynamic, right? No telling what will happen to a life that's given over to God with no strings attached. And I do keep trying to let Him have it, no strings attached. It's His anyway
Here's to not growing up, and still having fire, and being obstinate and staying single for now :) It's a good life
Hello, I just stumbled across your blog on this thing called the internet (I hope you will pardon my intrusion) and I just had to say it is a comforting thought that, if you stick with God, you will NEVER be just another cog in the machine; He's too radical for that. But I think you already know this.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way: EVERYONE is unsure at life and is faking their confidence, whether they realize it or not. So don't worry that you're inadequate to the task of living, because there's a higher source of strength than frail human confidence and it sounds like you know Him.
Thank you for the encouragement and reminder of truth, not an intrusion at all :)
ReplyDeleteIgnore those old farts! Grab on to life and LIVE! You have it right. Single, married, whatever! The ONLY times I look back on my life with regret so far are the times that I let the world suck the life out of me. I tried to fit the mold. I was boring. But the mold never quite fit. And the more I talk about it to others, the more I realize that nobody really LIKES living like that. They just think they don't have any other choice. And they need someone like you to say it is okay to be who you are. Keep your passion, Alysa! Think Christ ever had a day without passion?
ReplyDeleteYou are a stud, you are :)
I miss you Mrs. Smith! I hope I see you soon, you are always an encouragement to me:)
ReplyDelete