Yes, it's true. I'm in a relationship

I turn 21 in a month.

That makes me feel old, pretentious and insufficiently prepared all at the same time. Isn't 21 like, official adulthood? I mean, they told me that at 18 but it was kind like, "Ok kid, we'll call you an adult but really that's just so we can cover our butts if you do something stupid like punch an old lady or run away from home and accidentally blow up the capital. Then you're liable."

But now I'll be able to literally do most things. Like get a handgun license. Get a tattoo. And gamble. And get into clubs. And drink. So basically, I'm getting official permission to be a wandering vagabond, because you better believe my daddy won't let me back in the house if I start acting like the idiot my age is permitting me to.

I just feel weird. I mean, what the heck is growing up anyway? When is it supposed to have happened? I wish someone would tell me so I can kick it's butt for not getting here faster. Pretty sure I still feel like an awkward, insecure 14 year old, completely unsure if I can hack it at this thing called life and hoping no one notices that I'm pretty much faking my confidence through every hurdle I'm jumping over.

To make it worse, my entire freaking population of friends is deciding single life is lame, so they're grabbing significant others and marrying them quicker than an ADHD Elvis in a seedy Vegas motel. Apparently, Taio Cruz got it wrong when he said Ridin' Solo is "living life now that you're free". More like "looking like a vulture for the first piece of unclaimed roadkill I see".
So I get to keep going to weddings and being in weddings and answering that consistent question "Are you seeing anybody?"
To which I give a crooked smile, and happily answer, "I am. Jesus, every day. It's kind've awesome."

I am also a fan of the coming-into-popularity-question "Do you have anyone special up at school?"
I think I am going to change up that answer though, and start saying, "Oh yes. I have many special friends at school. Once you get past the drooling and awkward hugs, they're lots of fun to be around."
That'll make them double take  :)

Growing up is just awkward, and I have this sneaking suspicion that no one really ever grows up, we just learn how to act socially acceptable boring in public. And unfortunately, it seems like college is the place they send you to knock the dreamer out of you and make you another cog in the machine of society.
"You wanted to travel the world, kid? Too bad, here's a business degree. Have fun decorating your cubicle with pictures of places you'll never go. You thought you could actually enjoy your job and have it be fulfilling and pay the bills and be doing something significant? That's cute, now get back on the phone and call those clients."

At least, that's what it feels like. And whenever I express to old people (and I have decided old is a state of mind, not an age. Because I know some teenagers that are already 80 year old men and some grandma's who  never hit a day over 25) that I want my life to be lived with width and depth and not just join my place as another tooth in this winding gear, they smile affectionately patronizingly and tell me, "Yes. I thought that too at some point. We all have fire and passion when we're young. Soon you'll see that's just how life is. It runs over you and drains that fire right out until you realize that dreaming is dangerous and unrealistic. You'll accept it soon, that you will be part of the machine, and there's nothing you can do about it. That's life, it isn't so bad. Better to accept it now."

To which I want to answer, "May God take me before I ever get to the point that life is something to be waited out in an overstuffed chair, bitterly reminiscing about a past you can't get back and wasting a future that's passing at a rate of 60 seconds per minute."


Not that I'm like, intense about it or anything. Haha :). I guess it just makes me mad because I don't like being told what to do. And I really don't like people telling me what I will do before I even get there. The future's dynamic, right? No telling what will happen to a life that's given over to God with no strings attached. And I do keep trying to let Him have it, no strings attached. It's His anyway



Here's to not growing up, and still having fire, and being obstinate and staying single for now :) It's a good life