Don't blink

Well, my summer is almost officially over. I'll go to Dallas today for a dentist appointment with my mom and then Saturday we'll be on our way home.

 Home. I can't even express how much that word holds for me. In the last 2 1/2 years I have spent more time away from home than I ever have, and every time I go back, it's still there. I can still go back, it draws me in and is a source of steadfastness that anchors me. Not because it's static, familiar and unchanging-no, it's none of that. In fact, I think it's because it's dynamic that it holds me so. I'll go back, and Caleb will have grown another 2 inches and be busting out of his jeans again, with that huge grin on his oversized head. Micah will kick my butt even worse at Mario Kart and do his ever-evolving awkward victory dances in my face. Corinne will be even more proficient at crafts and have some sort of picture or trinket waiting for me with that shy smile. Daniele will have another story, another plan, another new adventure for us to tackle. My dad will still make fun of me, but this time his jokes will be seasoned with a little more grace and a little less rudeness, and he'll still grab me and kiss my head like he always does. My mom will want to know about school and catch me up on all the news, but our conversations will be a little more intimate, a little more like close friends and a little less like child to parent.

They're changing. Life is changing them. Or maybe they're changing life. Carving out our paths in the side of the mountain, going farther up and farther in, discovering, growing, learning, changing. But always a family. Always having each other's backs. It's an unspoken rule that we all just understand. We joke, we kid, we are even mean to each other sometimes. But watch out if you try to mess with any one of us, because the rest of us will destroy you...and then kick your ass.


My mom would give me that little frown she always does if she heard that I used that word :) But that's how I feel. My parents have made my family a family. They have given up all that was required of them and more, they're poured themselves into us. They've fed us from the reserves of themselves and sacrificed to make this necessary. And this is something eternal. Something solid. Something real in a world where everyone else wants to settle for fake and and look out for number one. They gave their kids something not many parents are willing to, and that is everything. That's why when my friends groan about going home and roll their eyes when they tell me about the adventures their families have planned for vacations, I'm just appalled. I love going home. I can't wait to get home.


Anyways, I'll go home and try to soak it all in. I'll try to catch up 2 1/2 years in a week. I'll see too few people, have conversations that won't be long enough, try to listen to stories that represent chunks of someone's life and lesson that God etched on their hearts in a few sentences that will never do them justice. And then I'm back. Back to this campus that has seen and taken so much of me in the past 2 1/2 years. And will take much, much more in the coming 2.


This summer has been nothing like I thought it would be. It's been laced with loneliness and confusion. I've asked God to make me more real and He's allowed life to take cuts out of me that leave me bruised and bleeding and staggering for my foundation. I've lost friends and gained relationships. I've learned I'm not as strong as I thought I was and I'm not as weak as I think I am. I've learned how to keep my mouth shut and watch a friend rebel, and how to let them come back. I've learned how controlling I am, and how weak my love for God can be. I've learned that listening to someone often has nothing to do with what they're saying, and that before you pass judgement on someone you should first feel the deep place of pain they're operating from. I've learned that distance doesn't always destroy relationships, and that it can make it stronger if you let it. And that life is not so much about the things that we place so much importance on, and God isn't always concerned with the end as much as He is with the means by which we got there. And our hearts. I've learned that our hearts truly are the wellspring of life as it says in Proverbs, and we live and die by them. So keep it. Keep your heart. Attend to it. Deal with it.

And a week from today, I'll be heading back up to campus. Back to relationships that still need work. Back to a semester full of courses that I am not smart enough to take alone, and a workload that still tends to overwhelm me. Back to learning how to live in dependence on God, back to learning how to derive my hope and my willpower and my ability from His deep reserves of infinite wisdom and understanding. Back to change and growth and mistakes and heartache and letting go and hanging on and discovering life is more ironic than I knew.

I'm not ready yet. I'm not ok yet. I still don't feel adequate to take it all on, I'm not sure it will come out like I foresee it happening. Lately I feel as if life is a stronger current than I can swim in, and I keep learning lessons that all share the common theme of "let go". Let go, seek Me. Similar to Peter when Jesus called him to walk on water. Don't look at the waves, don't be afraid, don't doubt. Just be.

And I find that it was never about being ready and prepared in the first place. After all, the greatest attempt I can muster still falls way too short of what is actually needed. But that's grace for you. Thank God He is merciful. Thank God His grace bridges the gap. It's not about being good enough.

It's about being willing