Sometimes we pray and He still takes away

Acute Melanoid Leukemia


It didn't take Kara. Or, that's what they keep telling me anyway. It didn't kill her, God took her in His time. That's what they say. He was merciful to her, and loved her, and she's better off with Him than suffering down here. We'll see her again, she's happier now, God is still in control, God knows best, God is love. He's love, He loves us, nothing happens that He can't see and doesn't allow.


But I'm pretty sure at 11 this morning, as the light was going out and a family was being broken, it didn't feel as if He was in control and loving her. I'm pretty sure it felt like some mindless cancer had finally finished it's job. I'm fairly certain, as death came striding through the door, her spirit slipping away and her tired body finally letting go, that it was a bittersweet arrival. Joy that she was released from the trappings of this world, and bitter anger that the battle didn't end like we prayed for it to.


Prayer. Ha. I'm convinced that a large majority of our time spent in prayer is for ourselves. We talk at God about ourselves and ask Him to fix our problems and He still does exactly what He planned to do all along. At least, that's what it feels like at the moment.


There's not closure for this. Not that there was much preparation. The last time I saw her was at school before she started this last round of chemo-the chemo that destroyed her body and didn't touch the cancer. The last things we talked about were trivial-classes, her new hat, school events. No one even acted like much was wrong. Life went on. The last time I saw her mom she was faithfully beside her bed-the same place she had been for the entire duration of Kara's sickness. And now, nothing. No more talking about peer advising, no more talking about boys on campus, no more talks of life in the future. Because her future just entered eternity-I'm still stuck here.

I just don't know what to feel. A little angry. Sad. Confused. A little bitter. Many questions. A lot more things just all jumbled up inside me, trying to get out and I'm doing my best to tie them down. I just do that sometimes, when I'd rather not deal with things. Even as I write, I feel like someone else is telling you a story and I'm just kind've dazed in the background thinking things like "That's not really what I mean" or "I don't know why I'm saying that, it isn't even accurate to express what I feel."





But I have to say this, because it'd be hypocritical not to. And the God Whom I love very much  is worthy of a declaration every once in a while--if only to keep me honest.
He's good. He's love. He's in control, and He deserves all glory. Even in times like these, where my logic fails and my sense of justice is offended and my perception of fair and right and good scream that this is none of those things. I love Him and I trust Him, with my life and the lives of the people I love. Let Him give, let Him take away, He does what He wants. And still I'll follow until I can't anymore.


Blessed be the name of the Lord, His steadfast love never ceases. Amen.