Today I said one of my super original, idiotic statements that makes me feel like a total moron. I am known for these. Here it is:
"Fine God. But today, I'm going to church for You...not for me"
Seems all good, right? It even seems right. "Like, that should be your attitude Alysa, what the heck are you talking about?"
Well...no. Just wait for the backstory.
I am slammed with school right now. I have dissection for my research team that has to be done in order to run subject tests by Saturday, I have an organic chemistry test coming up I need to do very well on because I sucked on the last one, I have a biomechanics paper and presentation on talipes equinovarus that counts for 50% of my grade in that class combined that I don't have done, I have dynamics to learn, an EMG lab to write a postprocessing program for, a motion camera system to learn for research, and lots of other random homework that teachers assign to keep me mind-numbingly busy. And I'm tired. And I am processing a lot of personal things on the side.
I'm wiped. Thus, this morning, I was going to skip church. No big deal, right? I mean, I don't really have time to dress up and look nice and act nice, and I am willing to sacrifice being able to relax and worship God and hear a good sermon filled with challenges and truth this one day, because school calls and I am just too busy.
So I ignored the nagging feeling that I should go to church last night all the way through this morning and had all plans of sleeping an hour later and starting my paper, when I REALLY felt God poke at my heart. Like.......really really poke at my heart. Ok it wasn't a poke, it was a compelling you need to do this because you KNOW you need to. So, in a terrible mood (how dare God make me go to church) I threw on some clothes and stood in front of the bathroom mirror, doing my hair. And then....those words came out of my mouth....unintentionally....but that's what happens when you have no censor.
"Fine God. But today, I'm going to church for You...not for me."
And as I said it...I felt that voice in my heart.....exactly
It kind've shocked me that I said that, so I thought about it as I drove 30 minutes away to church. As an aside, I pulled into the parking lot and realized that this Sunday was "be the church", where the entire church body breaks into groups and does service projects all over Longview. So there I was....in the parking lot....dressed up.....and alone.
I got the point. I don't think God really cared at all whether I went to church or not this morning. I think God cared that I saw exactly where my heart is. The point is that I mostly think God is for me. I think God is this guy who sits up there and loves and cuddles me and just wants to make my path lovely and straight, because He's God and that's His job. And I'm interested in Him mainly because He's interested in me. And I do things for Him mainly because it does things for me, like make me feel good. I pray for myself, I adhere to His laws for myself, I even go to church most of the time for myself. And this morning, as I begrudgingly gave God time I thought would be better spent researching clubfoot and doing organic chemistry, I feel like maybe, just maybe, that my bad attitude and obedience was closer to worship than those mornings that I go so I can feel God move and remember His promises and really feel good about my life and my self.
God does not exist for me. I exist for God. And I have life not so I can live, but so that Who He is can be expressed and magnified and made known. He is love, yes. He cares about me, yes. He has done everything to show me these things, yes.
But careful not to misunderstand the truth behind that love. Careful that you don't marvel over the pretty nuances of the message and be totally deaf to the purpose behind it all. You aren't the point. You never were. And you certainly aren't the purpose. Thank goodness. Those things belong to God
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