My heart

The older I get, the more I realize that I have no desire to be intelligent anymore. None. I used to want to be, I used to want to rank high on that scale, so that I could discuss things with great minds. I wanted a great mind. Knowledge is power, and I wanted that kind of power. I wanted to know that I was superior in that regard.

But

The wisdom of God is the foolishness of man, and the weak and foolish are used to shame the strong and wise of the world. God does not live in intelligence, nor knowledge, nor in logic. There are aspects of Him there, just as there are aspects of Him in emotion and feelings and passion, but He's not so small He can fit into my head. And the more I try to squeeze Him there, and keep Him in the place where I am comfortable with Him, His cold little box of reasons and explanations, the more of Him is not able to fit into my world. A very small world.

So I've lost my appetite, for the realm of knowledge. I've lost my appetite for logic and arguments and discussions that are thin veils for trying to convince someone to see your side. I don't have the inclination anymore to try to prove to people that God is a logical progression that everyone should follow, or that I am not an idiot for the convictions that my life is founded upon. He doesn't need me to prove Him to anyone. I am finding that I am much more interested in people's hurts. In people's needs. In people's hearts. In what is left after the useless words and useless arguments burn away and you really get down to what people are saying. There is life that I am missing, there are riches that I am ignoring, because I am more interested in dead knowledge than living wisdom. In weaving solid, failproof arguments with my words rather than listening to someone's heart. Bring people to Jesus? No. I won't. Love people and watch as He comes to them Himself? Yes. I'd like to be part of that. I want to see people come alive, and watch as they begin to understand the things that no one could explain if they tried. That impossible truth that Someone way out of your league just bought your life out of the mudhole and wants to make it beautiful. The mind behind creation is not one I want to pit myself against and challenge, only one that I want to know more of and love me.

Intelligence? I don't want to be intelligent anymore. I want to be wise.