What a coincidence. And by coincidence, I don't really mean coincidence

1 Peter 2:19

For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, that is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps:

  "Who committed no sin, 
Nor was deceit found in His mouth";

who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who Judged righteously; who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness-by whose stripes you were healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.



I flipped across this verse a few days ago, and felt compelled to look over it more closely. So, after reading it a few times, I conceded that it applied in a general sense to life, but wasn't able to draw much further from it. I thought it was strange that I was drawn to the passage, because my focus when reading has been the Gospels as of late; not 1 Peter.

Anyway, I went in for an eye appointment today (I'm still as blind as a bat, who would've guessed?) and my eye doctor, who happens to be a family friend from church, asked me about my last semester at school. "It was hard" was my honest but shallow reply. Really, how do you sum up all of the long nights, crushing tests, stressful days, and anxiety filled hours in a sentence? If I tried, I would be long winded and boring and I had  a feeling that he wasn't prepared for a speech of that caliber. Feeling that this answer was insufficient, I added, "I really struggled with God this past semester." His slightly puzzled look caused me to elaborate, "I just felt hung out to dry. I feel that I have chosen to be where I am, and that God hasn't put any major roadblocks in my way to indicate I belong somewhere else. I work hard, I sacrifice, I strive to be disciplined, and to made the right decisions. I try to glorify God with the way I approach my days, from school, to interactions with people, and still. Still. I struggle. Things are hard. Things are unfair. And while I don't expect God to make it a cakewalk, I feel that I deserve at least a small break. Or...you know...something."

I finished in an uncertain tone, because whenever I talk to religious people about wanting God's help, it is easy for them to stray into the advice category called "you don't deserve God's help, you're a no-good sinner in which there is not one redeeming quality". And I hate that, because while I admit to once being found in my sin, I no longer live there. I walk free now, a living picture of redemption in progress. A picture of hope. And I'm sorry, but if my heavenly Father doesn't look at me and see some ridiculous sinner that doesn't deserve for Him to help them at all, then I'm not going to either.


His response surprised me and made me feel as if someone poured ice water on my head. It cleared my vision in an instant. He said, "Now, forgive me for forgetting the reference, but that reminds me of the verse in the Bible. The verse that, in a nutshell, describes how if you suffer because you do stupid things, well, that's on your head and God tells you to straighten things out. But if you suffer patiently when doing things right, now that's the test, isn't it? And how much more did Jesus feel this, and understand this, when He had done nothing wrong, had perfect intentions, pure motives, and was beaten and tortured and killed for sins we committed?"


I've been asking God. Trying to reconcile my hurt and anger with Him from this semester. Trying to understand that I was not left alone when I felt left alone, and striving to see that I was being loved when I felt overlooked. I'm starting to understand the beauty of what is going on. I don't understand why life seems so hard right now. I don't know why things are not going the way I want them to. But I am being allowed to, in a way, follow my Jesus's steps. I'm being allowed to share the journey He has completed. I am being given the opportunity to be what i was redeemed to be-a picture of Christ to anyone who might look and wonder why I do what I do and where my motivation springs from.


I'm not there yet. I still don't completely understand, or see, and there is so much to God that I admit I have no idea about. Sometimes, I wonder at how little I comprehend of the God I think I know. But, little by little, things fall into place. And I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful for a God that interacts with me, and walks with me, and is patient with me. It's times like these that make me seem macabre, because I look forward to being face to face with Jesus, and finally understanding the hands holding me I never saw, and the arms that wrapped around me I couldn't touch, and the love that accompanied me the whole time that I never fully grasped.


And.....I have no cute way to end this. It's just ending now, because my thoughts ended. Ok. Done.