Foolish

I was texting a good friend this morning, and talking about a mutual friend of ours who was recently engaged. We were commenting on how it seems that everyone our age is jumping into either dating or engagement, and it was odd to sit on the side and realize that God has other paths for us at this moment in time. I told her that God is changing my heart on this, on people dating or getting engaged so soon, so young, to the first or second person they've ever really dated. I say changing my heart, because I have been bitter and cynical about it for a while now. Why? Because I want to know that I too have someone physically present who supports me, encourages me, comforts me, accepts me and affirms me. And knowing that the voice of God in my life is speaking to my heart that patience and waiting diligently are my posts for the time, has made me bitter.

Bitter because, well, they aren't waiting or being patient, are they? They aren't being obedient, are they? And look, they're getting exactly what they want, exactly what I want, skipping off together, locked in their blissful fantasy, and oblivious to anyone but each other. Even....well, even oblivious to You, Father. And look at me, I'm waiting. I'm doing what you want, I'm being miserable for You, God. I'm shouldering the lot You dealt to me, not giving in to what my heart is dying to have. It isn't fair, it isn't fair, it isn't fair. Me, me, me, it isn't fair.


But, as I said, God is changing my heart, slowly, painfully, but change nevertheless. I was telling my friend this (the condensed version, I am much less verbose and boring in person or text, I hope), and she responded with, "Yes, I hear you. Young people as a whole, myself included, are foolish. It comes with the age. Some of it works out anyway and some of it falls apart but it's all part of the plan."

Foolish. It clung to me when I read it. I was reminded of Romans 1:22-Professing to be wise, they became fools.
It is foolish to consider that God does not care about meeting all of my needs, not merely physical, but emotional as well. Even Jesus, dying on the cross, drinking the cup God gave Him, looked on His mother and the Disciple whom He loved and said, "Woman, behold your son". Mary had 4 other living sons, so this gesture was obviously not simply to provide for her physical needs. None of Jesus' brothers are mentioned to be at the cross, and perhaps in this moment, Jesus is meeting Mary's emotional need for comfort and encouragement, giving her someone to be at her side when all others seemed to have left. Maybe, Jesus would provide the same for me, if I'd stop trying to meet it myself because I'm so afraid of not being provided for.


Then again, it is also foolish to believe that God is not concerned with every detail of my life, from my want to get into medical school to my lack of healthy balance of academics and relationships, because of the way He lets me run with those hopes and fears straight into desolation and failure. It is foolish to believe that God's heart is anything but completely for me, because of the way I see Him attack sin in my life with ferocity. It is foolish to believe that my life has been hard because of anything I have been doing right for God, and to be bitter towards people who I'm judging as doing the wrong thing, as if I am a martyr and they are ignorant.

That's one of many things my foolishness mixed with my pride does to me. It makes me bitter. Thinking I am wise and throwing out those key words like (church key words) "waiting" and "patient" and "obedient", and elevating myself above other whom I do not associate with those words, I become foolish. Labeling people's hearts and people's actions and maybe people themselves, myself included, as good or bad, righteous or unrighteous, faithful or unfaithful, I lose sight of truth that stood it's ground the entire time. Truth that could set me free, truth that is so different from the legalistic and judgmental chains I wrap around myself.


Labeling, perhaps it is all foolish talk. Foolish talk that age and a false perception of wisdom bring. Perhaps situations in my life demand a reaction more than a label. Perhaps I am wasting my time trying to determine whether things are or they aren't; maybe life's situations are calling more for a response than a name. Labeling God's provision as blessings and curses is not needed, not nearly as much as proclaiming the provision itself. And if the provision proves to be hard, so be it, it is hard. If it costs me, so be it, it costs me. The situations themselves are not nearly as important as the God Who allows them, and not nearly as valuable as recognizing that everything that falls on us is first sifted through His gentle hands. Hands gentle enough to know that hard times are painful, but sin left unaddressed destroys us. Gentle enough to realize that sometimes, chastening and discipline are more loving than revoking the consequences of sin. Gentle enough to let foolish children grow, and provide them wisdom that reminds them that they still have so far to go.