Undercover provision

I'm sure any human with a brain and emotions can relate, but for a little under a year, my heart has really been aching. Where it comes from is another story, as is how I've been dealing with it (think: "badly", and you're halfway there). But as I was laying awake last night with my little brother's knees jabbing into my back,

edit: He asks if he can sleep in my bed pretty much every night, and I don't have the heart to say no. I should say no, however, because he moves like a hyperactive squirrel, talks in his sleep, and jabs his knees and elbows everywhere so that actually falling asleep for more than 30 minutes is a victory heralded by impending jabbing. What does he talk about, you ask? Mainly his baseball heroics that are trumped up, with a few fish stories sprinkled in there. The mind of a nine year old on display for all to see. 

Anyways, as I was laying there wide awake, I really hurt. It was like an echo of something you miss, a little wistful, and it stirred up some emotion in me whose origin I couldn't begin to pinpoint if I tried. I knew it was the same ache I'd been feeling all year since the beginning of September, because it's almost always accompanied by this want to reach out to someone, anyone. Notice me. I just wanted attention, really, which is insignificant and perhaps the only significant thing I've said. But it isn't the point, not this time. 

I started praying. What else do you do when you're hurting and have nowhere to escape except a bed of pointy elbows and sleep talks about baseball heroics? It's interesting to me that the most honest, real prayers coming straight from my heart are usually spoken without much forethought. The first thing I said was, "God, I just want to be overwhelmed with blessing". 

Uh. Yes. Duh. Who doesn't? Most retarded thing to say ever. But it's true. There are so many things you notice as you come alive. As your heart wakes up. I can begin to recognize what drives humans and makes them human. You recognize need, for relationship, for companionship, for acceptance, for consistency, for affection, for attention, for love, for affirmation. And you begin to realize that the modes by which God meets these needs are blessings, and almost always people. We're given a family. Or close friends. Or companions. Or a spouse. And God Himself. And in almost every case, it isn't deserved, it isn't merited, and it isn't earned. But oh, how it is hoped for. Oh how we need it.

And so I am hoping. My heart is hoping. For a time that I can look back and see that God provided for the ache I am beginning to become accustomed to. That I am learning to live within. I can hope, because I can look back and see times He provided for me. Other hurts, other pains, other needs, all taken care of with heavenly timing that doesn't always make sense to me. There is so much that doesn't make sense to me. But I can hope, because I have faith. And I can have faith because there is overwhelming evidence that God is so much bigger than what I think I know. I am provided for, and whether the ache leaves or stays.

Maybe, maybe the ache is a good thing. Maybe it is a reminder that I live in a place I don't belong, and I'm passing through on my way to a place that's so much greater. Maybe it is a reminder that I am already richly blessed. Haha perhaps, in a roundabout way....perhaps the ache is the blessing.